Sometimes thinks that is really unfair, why wasn’t the man virgin nobody said that but the woman was not good. Even if others did not say, they could also not pass this pass. Altogether has three men in my life. First boyfriend J is bigger than seven years old me, knew that his time my 19 years old, because of this, he have been looking like to me to a child are the same. In three years which loves one another with him, the most action out of the ordinary was also hits kiss. I did not know that he does this is responsible for me not to want to injure me, perhaps he does not want to have a result with me. This year summer vacation he finally has gone to USA which he sleeps, is in luck his any words not to leave me, even I did not know that he actually can also come back. But I thought that this is unimportant, next year summer vacation I have graduated, has gone to USA since him, I start to manage Canada’s visa, I wanted to wait for me to be possible to give him to Canada pleasantly surprised, I read off master in Canada to go to the US to be easy.
When I will make the plan for mine happy future, I had no intention to know J went to US’s true goal is before his girlfriend, originally in he ever not once had forgotten his girlfriend with in mine these three years. I burst into tears to him write have sealed mail, tells all which he I knew, he had not denied. I do not stop in the telephone interrogated why he does do this, does not like me telling me, why hides the truth from my three years? He was probably is asked by me has been tired, has returned to me one: “your land like this? I have not done am unfair to your matter. “has listened to this saying, my heart was cool immediately. These three year he has not bumped my reason is looks for under a stair for the present, finally I turned but actually create a scene.
Without J, my life has lost the power, has not had the goal. Big four, others are busy at testing reposing, the exams for postgraduate schools, looks for the work, I am soak, window-shops, plays the stone implement, goes to Canada meaningless for me also.
At this moment, net friend A must come Shanghai to travel on official business. He, is bigger than ten years old me, I him have worked as eldest brother, has anything to be happy, the unhappy matter can tell him. Leaves Shanghai’s last day of evening in him, finished eating the dinner with him, I discovered that the handset fell on his room, together returned to the room with him to take. In I prepared that moment him who left the room from behind closely to grasp me, and started to kiss me. From the very beginning I a little slightly revolt, but I obeyed afterward.
I first time felt man’s breath, man’s fondness of countryside, man’s dynamics, this allowed not to radically I revolt, at that time my void mind needed to moisten truly, I started to coordinate him. Although movement somewhat clumsy, but causes his fire of desire sufficiently. He has turned off the lamp, held on the bed me, did not stop is kissing, stroked my whole body. I by the curtain wall glass look that star all over the sky, looks again this lies prone on my body, is being naked upper body’s man, nameless sense of joy well uped. When his hand extends to mine thigh deep place, he asks me suddenly: “your boyfriend has bumped you? “I shook the head, however his spear stops. Said busily: “sorry, I did not know really you have not been bumped. Saw that your I a little could not control, you imagine compared to me attractive many. “I put on clothes, any words had not said that walked. I have understood suddenly, in this world is the husband only then cares about you a maiden, other person is not the maiden is only then better. They are afraid are responsible, fear compunction feeling.
Although A only flashes past, but is deep in my mind cannot cancel. Will start from this later me to think the man, started the masturbation. In the future day I knew that J has not recalled him and the first girlfriend’s affection in the US. My ice-cold heart starts to melt, I even decided that waits for him summer vacation to return to homeland I to give all he, no matter he does love me, so long as I liked him being possible.
In September I participated in birthday party, has met Y. He and my high school, is higher than two sessions me, is our school dashing guy. At that time he and his nabs made a bet, he must pursue in 13 days to 13th the female student who passed through from their classroom, otherwise he wanted to eat 13 strong-smelling fermented bean curds (he to eat strong-smelling fermented bean curd repugnantly). The result I let him eat 13 strong-smelling fermented bean curds. For these years he graduated after the skill school in has performed an art in the circle to mix, also has not mixed any positive result, but good looks and graceful manners as before. After Party had finished, he delivers me to go home, and said flankly must pursue me, for him an opportunity, this time is earnest. I only consider the joke, has listened, had not thought that he comes really real. But I had not accepted him, his this kind of man cannot give me the security sense, I could not find the home to return to feeling.
Has the day, I go to the place which he lives to play, wait for me to want, rains. Two people watch the small dish piece in the room, the small dish piece a little pornography, his hand also starts not to be law-abiding. Compares A, Y the skill to want wisely many, will caress the woman, one will let me be excited. After shedding the light my clothes, his strokes my breast, the tip of tongue is playing with the nipple, afterward is also nips lightly, another hand hovering which does not stop under me, I knew that I want not to be good immediately, he also prepares his treasure to fill toward. I have remembered J suddenly, this my deep love man. I shoved open him saying:“sorry, cannot like this, I not do. “he is first a little the surprise, afterward kissed me saying:“the relations, I will not have been careful, will not make loves you. “then he wanted to prepare toward to deliver, I made an effort to shove open him, he thought that I was shy perhaps the fear, has not cared, still acted willfully. I yell suddenly: “you dare to use you following thing to bump me again, I consider you to rape. “his face astonished looks at me, I hides in his bosom has cried.
Nobody will understand that actually this time’s I do want to result in am anything, even I not too will be clear. I only knew, if I can also with J in the same place, if J knew that I was already not the maiden, he will not want me. Even if cannot with J in same place, if my future husband has known, how I do confess? After I subside gradually, said to Y that “your what can bump me, but could not break that matter membrane, promised me? “the later day, Y is obedient truly very much, does not have is useful he the treasure. He changes the method is satisfying me, sometimes I thought that his buries under me, lets with the tongue when I reach the high tide, I truly fill with guilty. He looks at me like this, teased said: “you will marry tomorrow to me, or looked marries personally.”
Sometimes I thought that like this feels embarrassed oneself, feels embarrassed others to protect this membrane to think resembles. But I can not but do this, the later husband judges your history after all whether pure is depending on this membrane. I clear awareness, present’s I compared to have also been short membrane woman pure how many, is also perhaps more lascivious.
I, really does not want to be the maiden.
But, I can not but do.
