(”Tibet Online”) her face line is distinct, appears somewhat is slightly cold. Thick color deterioration eyeglasses for myopia block from the ocular region, causes her facial expression to be unfathomable. She purses the lips the lip, is swallowing anything likely, nearby the lip reveals several sensitive wrinkles. She has stretched originally on the pole plate upscale deep ash western-style clothes, after the lens lets somebody cool off or calm down stares at me for a long time, until I start to worry when she rejects my interview, she suddenly is only then cloudy the face to open the mouth.
“I dislike the question which you proposed.”She knits the brows behind the eyeglasses.
“good, I am an old maid, - - my similarly repugnant `old maid ‘ these three characters! All dislike with maiden related phrase me! This is my worry!
“from is born that day, knows oneself sex at least from me, I knew at heart I am in am a man am retaining, whether this man does exist, in where, I knew without knowing where to begin, but I must retain itself!
“I once had inserted several year team in Shanxi’s mountain. Inhabitant refreshed, bold uncouthly at the same time poor. I at that time only then 17 years old. The inhabitant teaches me many things, also taught me to understand anything is the woman.
“in the memory always cannot erase this kind of scene: A young bride lifts in after marriage first morning face glowing with health is moistening blood’s plain white cloth together, to waits for in the nuptial chamber entrance parents, the parents-in-law, the whole neighborhood shows off own pure and chaste. The parents saw that bloodstain, relaxed, complacently; The parents-in-law saw that bloodstain, felt relieved, jubilantly; But I, saw that bloodstain, the heart brushed is cold.
“……I read first day’s time, rides the vehicle with several girls study, became addicted, comes time the menstruation rides in the same old way. My stature is small, 28 man’s bicycles, the hull is very high, but at that time was precisely three year rough period, toilet paper’s substitute item is the cardboard, extremely hard extremely rough, damaged by abrasion actually the outside genitals, becomes inflamed.
“mother leads me to the hospital, doctor cleans for me applies medicine. Mother and doctor said many words, I have not remembered, only remembers doctor a not in the least sentiment the words: `this child hymen is too thin, already rubbed through. ‘mother at that time one startled, any words also cannot say, `- - ‘, up to one’s ass has only sat on the chair.
“I am disturbed. I felt faintly the hymen is a serious thing probably. Afterward heard some such as `the maiden to be valuable gradually ‘ a kind of phrase, even more was then incomplete for own hymen and is anxious.
“in mountain causes me to understand thoroughly: I did not have the bloodstain to be possible to show off. Although I am a maiden.
“do not think love presence I this kind will not feel inferior the human, several men pursued me, I has also loved them. Their each people want to have the sexual relationship nearly with me, I am not willing. I contradictory extremely. I understand them, we am the great age youth, their passion is normal. I also thought actually that I already was not also young, the natural desire is harassing me frequently. But I do not dare. It is not for other, is feared that they discovered I am not the maiden suspected I pass not cleanly. ……”
Her sound gets down lowly, revolves in the empty office, is bringing regrettable.
“who can prove my chastity? I do not dare to withstand love, I was have lost the `maiden was valuable ‘ the maiden.
“I see many people to divorce noisily, the reason was the bride’s side lost before the wedding passes away, has lost the chastity, loses the `maiden who that should die to be valuable ‘. How can I be supposed to manage?
“my love is a suffering. I was not willing to the human saying that said I did not have the thing which that man incomparably treasured. I once was a warm person. I am longing for the opposite sex urgently, can actually not but Gao Xuan a heart on the alert opposite sex. Finally, this kind of abnormal psychology caused them to vanish one by one finally from my side.
“I am not willing to be in love again. I repugnant exactly said that is fears with the opposite sex contact. I already lost that many, I feared really loses again. But duplicate loses, I cannot bear.
“therefore I start to loathe all with the man, with the nature, even with the love related thing. In the television develops the men and women to hug, the kiss lens, I switch off immediately the television; In the movie develops the men and women to fall in love, I will fall the chair to stand have no more to do with to walk; The colleagues talk about their object or the wedding, does not have originally with my relations, I cannot help but all of a sudden will also pull the face always am long, am being black a face, will quickly frighten others quickly to close the mouth. I do not want like this, but I could not control.
“others offer an opinion to me, often said that department head anything is good, is too serious. Actually, the human does not want to live like this, but I do not have the means to change itself.
“in the physiology produces the hormone unceasingly, in the psychology actually dreads the question, the physiology and the psychology is not balanced, to solve the depression, I learned ……Masturbation.”
Her eye stares enormously, the vision is staring at front some thing straight. Her sound is shivering, put out this to make one feel the incomparable painful the words.
“I could not find relieve own painful the way. I ask myself repeatedly, why did you give up the rights which loves? What `did you not lack such the maiden to be valuable ‘? What then the men do use to confirm their chastity to the woman? Why does the man such make excessive demands to the woman?
“sometimes I also thought that I should liberate itself, lets any `maiden be valuable ‘ goes preposterously! But I do not dare to imagine that not to have blood’s wedding night.
“I planned that this life no longer wants to love, no longer marries. I am a maiden, I forever am the maiden who this should die! I then do not let a man bump me to be able to confirm that I am truly the maiden ……”
